Heartbeats

My heart beat fast and my mind was whirling with thoughts not stilled.

 

Could it be true that there was a Doctor who had actually acknowledged me?

Had I heard correctly when he affirmed what I had researched and struggled to know about these diseases?

 

The night grew later and later as I tried in vain to find peace. It had been so long since I had felt any hope for possible treatment of these diseases that my body had fallen under.

 

Rheumatoid Arthritis

Fibromyalgia

Osteoporosis

Multinodular Goiter and Subclinical Hyperthyroidism

Sjogren’s Syndrome

 

Those labels have a way of falling hard on a heart that struggles to look further than the course determined by the words from a hopeless-seeming  Doctor. So a new course offered from a different Doctor can feel like a life-preserver tossed out onto the waves of drowning.

 

And all the while, as my heart refused to be stilled, I felt my Savior standing near, waiting:

I have never given up hope, my daughter. I AM your hope. Don’t forget my words spoken over you: You are MINE. All of this that you walk through is MINE because you are MINE. Nothing comes to you without my protection covering you.

 

My beating heart stilled as the measures lined up with HIS rhythm.

 

2019-30-5-20-59-45

 

This journey through chronic illness has taken me places I never would have chosen on my own. And yet when I pause to ask about my #oneword for this year, a new song has risen within my heart.

 

compassion: to suffer with

 

He has been stretching my definitions even as He has been enclosing my heart.

He has been sending me outside the camp even as He has become so intimate.

He has been uncovering hidden weaknesses even as He has become so sufficient.

He has been asking for honest sharing even as He has sheltered my vulnerability.

He has been bringing deeper meanings to my life verse:

 

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9 NIV

 

As the Doctor asked me to try an earlier medication that had caused side effects in the past, we discussed changes that I had made in my own self-care since those days. Suddenly the possibility for adjustment from my body seemed a real possibility. So this week I will try a past failed medication, giving it another chance.

 

Can you see the parallel offered by our Savior? Nothing is beyond a second chance in God’s great wisdom. When breath is here, and heart is beating, I am again given another opportunity to receive the peace that has alluded my heart.

 

He offers HIs outstretched hand of hope to each of us.

He draws us into His shouldered embrace for the thousandth time.

He never stops sending His comfort into the deserts of our pain.

 

As the Doctor questioned if anyone had ever asked Why my head so often screamed in agony over every new medication, a referral to a Neurologist and the possibility for a “Multiple Chemical Sensitivity” diagnosis suddenly seemed to make sense.

 

Can you see another parallel being offered by our Good Shepherd? There is always a reason for the Lord’s direction. Nothing is hidden from His sight, and nothing happens by mere chance.

 

He leads us in the path of righteousness for HIS Name’s sake, not our own.

He will uncover every truth about our hearts as we wait upon Him.

He sends forth the help at the moment our cries are uttered, even if we cannot see it yet.

 

My dear friends, I cannot thank you enough for all of the prayers you have offered for me. I cannot offer enough thanks to my Savior for the MERCY He has showered upon me. But I would love to offer a prayer today, however small it may seem to me. Because He receives every thought given to Him.

 

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank You for being such a Good, Good Shepherd of our souls. Thank You for caring for every heartbeat, every movement, every cell in our bodies. We are humbled by the intimate knowledge that You have for us, and yet You never cease loving us.  Will You open our eyes to see the beauty in Your plan for us? Will You wash away those old labels that we have clung to? We want to hold onto the only one that matters: We are YOURS. Children of the King of Glory bought with Your own precious blood. We want to shelter in Your green pastures and sing of Your sacred peace. We long to be close to YOU.

In Your name we pray,

Amen.

 

A dear friend sent me this song today, not knowing it was one of the songs at my parents’ wedding.  They are both in Heaven now, so very close to Him.  As I continue in a longer blogging break through these weeks of resting close with Jesus, and ongoing treatments, I pray that you will see Him so close to you also.

 

 

I am linking with #Legacylinkup

 

 

30 thoughts on “Heartbeats

  1. I am so happy for you Bettie. Covering you in prayer every morning. I pray the second try on this medication works.
    I also saw the dr today. He said that I can’t continue to endure the depths of physical pain that I am in.
    I too have RA, severe degenerative bone disease, severe gastrointestinal issues, lost a good amount of my intestines.
    Severe Trigeminal Disk disease bilateral. The list goes on and on.
    I am afraid to take the neurontin. I only take Tylenol. Please pray for guidance for me.
    In Jesus.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Dear Colleen, I am so sorry for the depth of pain that you have carried. I understand that hesitancy to take medications. There is only one of the RA meds left that I have not tried before, so I also have a fear of trying anything again after my last reaction that was so horrible. I am thankful we can pray for each other tonight! Lord Jesus, I ask that You would give Colleen your wisdom concerning these meds that the Dr wants her to try. Please let her know your path for her. Help her to feel Your arms leading her now. And please bring Your relief to her. Amen.

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  2. Bettie, chronic illness is tough. 🙏 Thank you for sharing your heart today. I just prayed for you and for your new doctor to continue to help you to better health. Much love, Viv

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Vivian,
      Yes, it is a tough road we walk through this trial of chronic illness. But what a blessing to be able to pray for each other in the midst of it all. I so appreciate your prayers for me tonight. Blessings, love and prayers for you too!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Bettie, I am so thankful you found someone who will listen to your medical concerns, I will continue to pray for healing! Your prayer is beautiful, as always, and I love the gentleness of your heart that I can feel through your words. God bless you my friend.
    P.S. LOVE your new picture. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Wendi,
      I am so sorry that somehow your comment fell into the spam folder! I’m glad I checked today, to find this. I am so thankful for your encouraging words, and for your continued prayers! These paths where we walk with chronic illness are unclear to us, but yet Jesus is watching our every step. Blessings and love to you too my friend!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh Bettie, I’m so glad your new doctor actually acknowledged you and your struggles. I pray God will give him wisdom and will bless the treatment. This request in your prayer especially caught me – “Will You open our eyes to see the beauty in Your plan for us?” Also “We long to be close to YOU.” Amen! Thank you for sharing here. Love and blessings to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Trudy,
      I am so sorry that somehow your comment, and Wendi’s above, somehow landed in my spam folder! I’m glad I checked there today. Thank you so much for your prayers and support through all of these maze-like days. Our Lord truly does have beauty even here for us, doesn’t He? He knows the way we should take. I am praying for you tonight also, dear friend. Blessings and love to you too!

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    1. Dear Mandy,
      Yes, He is so ever present with us here! I may message you later this week, with some questions that came up in the appointment, things that the Dr wants me to consider before our next appointment in September. I am so grateful that we can share with each other the blessings that God brings to us as He guides us in His way. xoxo

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  5. Dear Bettie,
    What a beautiful post! Again, we can see God at work in your weakness. It shows so much that where we are weak He is strong. You have suffered much and been through so much with medical people who don’t listen, who brush off symptoms as if you aren’t supposed to have them. How refreshing to find a doctor who actually listens, who tries to find ways to work with your body!

    You have such beauty in the way your share your weaknesses and your trust in God. Your poem is lovely and invites us to slow, rest, observe and be at peace.

    Blessings, love and hugs to you, dear sister/poet/friend! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Gayl,
      Oh yes, He is my only strength in these places, and I so appreciate your prayers that you have lifted up for me so often! It truly was refreshing and brought tears to my eyes, when the Doctor responded to my questions. I pray that I will continue to hear Jesus calling me to rest, and not resist. Even if the resistance is only in my mind while my body is forced to rest, there still is such a beauty when I can slow my mind to rest in HIM too. I am praying rest for you this night now, also! Love and hugs to you too, my dear poet/sister/friend! xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Dear sister and friend,

    How wonder-full our Savior!
    Bettie, you captured the contradictions when our humanness connects with His holiness SO well. Your writing birthed from illness and pain, struggles so deep, is anointed. Sharing this, Bettie. Love and hugs to you this given night, Julie

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Julie,
      It truly is such a blessing when we can share Scriptures and thoughts together. Some of these words came about as a dear friend and I were emailing back and forth with how the Lord had been working similarly in our lives. And you have been such a gift to me also, as you have sent me Scriptures & songs & thoughts. What a gift in the midst of hard days, to hear the voice of Jesus being shared by a friend! Blessings, love and hugs to you this night also! xoxo

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    1. Dear Melissa,
      I am so thankful the Lord brought you encouragement here! Your posts bring encouragement to me also. God is so good to let us share together. Thank you for your prayers so much.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Lynn,
      Thank you for your lovely thoughts and prayers. Truly His beauty is all around, and I want to keep my eyes open to look through these windows He has set before me. “the flutter of the sparrow’s wings” brings such peace to my heart! Blessings and love to you!

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  7. My dear Bettie,

    After a long time , I just entered to wordpress in detailed.Its really amazing to read your post first .Our dear Jesus Christ is with you Bettie…
    Even though the ways to Him harder but He will helps to go through it….

    I loved it Bettie..Thank you for sharing it with me too…

    Stay Blessed

    Love & Prayers!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Dear Athira,
      I am so very grateful for all of your prayers and sweet thoughts that you share! I have been praying for you also my friend. May Jesus bless you and hold you this week! Love & Prayers!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Dear Bettie, you offer blazing bright rays of hope in the midst of such long-suffering pain. May your heart be encouraged as you have encouraged mine! Praying for fresh hope, fresh medical ideas, fresh treatment and positive results. May God be close and bring you healing and strength. Blessings and love, Melissa

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Melissa,
      I am so thankful that the Lord brought you encouragement here! You have brought me encouragement also. The side effects are back, but I am learning a deeper trusting again. I appreciate your prayers for fresh hope so much! He truly is being so close. May you be blessed this weekend also Dear Friend! Love and hugs!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Bettie,
    I pray for healing and continued strength. My first husband, Bill, had FSHD – a form of muscular dystrophy. There is an amazing grace the Lord can give but, still, it can be hard. Loved your expression of hope in the midst of it all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your prayers and your encouragement. I am so grateful that our Lord holds us through the hard days, and He meets us right there. May the Lord continue to bless you with His gift of hope also.

      Like

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