Four and a half years. That’s how long God asked me to stay with a Doctor who treated me as if I did not know my own body, as if I was somehow less than his other patients, as if these reactions and side effects were my own fault.
As the results of more thorough testing are coming in this week, and appointments are being scheduled with new specialists, my heart had to ask the questions:
Why didn’t You send me to different Specialists in the first place, Lord? I heard You specifically asking me to stay with that Doctor who refused to listen to me. How could that be YOUR guidance?
What I have been hearing in response to my questions is not a popular subject in this age of wordly pleasures and instant solutions. Even in the Church we are not without these beliefs. They creep up on us all unaware. We might plant our feet in what feels like the solid teaching of Biblical traditions, and yet we can fall prey to the false notion that this life is meant for our ease. We become deaf and shut down our ears to the the words of the true Gospel that calls us to a life of surrender on this earth.
All Things Serve You
He called me out while
the pain shut me in and
my heart lost its strength
beating a lop-sided spin.
Hear My voice in the fog and
watch for My trail when
your path is crossed
slipping onto the rocks.
Hold close to My hand as
the fires engulf and
your eyes are burnt
squinting for the way through.
Dive in with Me here
feel the waves wash over
your head plunging
you under My current.
These are only My servants
My child of earth and clay
creating a weight of glory
only gained in the WAIT.
“For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;“ 2 Corinthians 4:17 KJV
He is at work in the deep places of our hearts, where the true work of this world is being accomplished. We may get to enjoy some of the benefits of those purifying trials during these days here, but the fullness will only be seen when we stand face to face with Him.
In the meantime, there is a resting in the struggles that He wants us to see, wants us to trust. For our Lord is the fulfillment of the law of love, God’s heart for each one, and He will never abandon His work in us:
“Your laws endure to this day,
for all things serve you.
If your law had not been my delight,
I would have perished in my affliction.” Psalm 119:91-92 NIV
In this place of speaking the truth, and not minimizing the struggle, HE is the One who calls me out into the pain, the fog, the fire, and the waves. I cannot deny His Presence here with me, and I cannot deny the surrenders that He calls forth when He asks if I am willing to be made more like Jesus, in His precious weight of glory. Can I see any of HIS glory in me yet? Four and a half years–how can that be glorious?
Here in this process the Lord has uncovered that all those words the Doctor thought of me were only words that I had held close in my own thinking. It took that long for me to begin to let go of the minimizing that I have placed upon myself. If you listened to our recent #Treasures from the Sands podcast with my friend Anna Smit, then you know how I carried so many responsibilities as my own. Still do, in fact. The process is not complete by any means, as just this week He uncovered more weights of self-sufficiency that I have been loath to let go of.
Oh, but HIS glorious grace is so much better than any false sense of strength that I might still be clinging to. I am learning in this waiting that my weakness opens the door to see His strength and His life in ways I have not dreamed of. My eyes are lifted up to His handclasp.
My dear friend, while you are waiting, can you also see that He will not let go of our hands?
He will not desert the children of His heart.
“But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them,” Nehemiah 9:17
“The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him” Lamentations 3:25
May this song be our prayer today, as we wait at the feet of Jesus, watching for HIS life all around us:
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