My heart beat fast and my mind was whirling with thoughts not stilled.
Could it be true that there was a Doctor who had actually acknowledged me?
Had I heard correctly when he affirmed what I had researched and struggled to know about these diseases?
The night grew later and later as I tried in vain to find peace. It had been so long since I had felt any hope for possible treatment of these diseases that my body had fallen under.
Multinodular Goiter and Subclinical Hyperthyroidism
Those labels have a way of falling hard on a heart that struggles to look further than the course determined by the words from a hopeless-seeming Doctor. So a new course offered from a different Doctor can feel like a life-preserver tossed out onto the waves of drowning.
And all the while, as my heart refused to be stilled, I felt my Savior standing near, waiting:
I have never given up hope, my daughter. I AM your hope. Don’t forget my words spoken over you: You are MINE. All of this that you walk through is MINE because you are MINE. Nothing comes to you without my protection covering you.
My beating heart stilled as the measures lined up with HIS rhythm.
This journey through chronic illness has taken me places I never would have chosen on my own. And yet when I pause to ask about my #oneword for this year, a new song has risen within my heart.
compassion: to suffer with
He has been stretching my definitions even as He has been enclosing my heart.
He has been sending me outside the camp even as He has become so intimate.
He has been uncovering hidden weaknesses even as He has become so sufficient.
He has been asking for honest sharing even as He has sheltered my vulnerability.
He has been bringing deeper meanings to my life verse:
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9 NIV
As the Doctor asked me to try an earlier medication that had caused side effects in the past, we discussed changes that I had made in my own self-care since those days. Suddenly the possibility for adjustment from my body seemed a real possibility. So this week I will try a past failed medication, giving it another chance.
Can you see the parallel offered by our Savior? Nothing is beyond a second chance in God’s great wisdom. When breath is here, and heart is beating, I am again given another opportunity to receive the peace that has alluded my heart.
He offers HIs outstretched hand of hope to each of us.
He draws us into His shouldered embrace for the thousandth time.
He never stops sending His comfort into the deserts of our pain.
As the Doctor questioned if anyone had ever asked Why my head so often screamed in agony over every new medication, a referral to a Neurologist and the possibility for a “Multiple Chemical Sensitivity” diagnosis suddenly seemed to make sense.
Can you see another parallel being offered by our Good Shepherd? There is always a reason for the Lord’s direction. Nothing is hidden from His sight, and nothing happens by mere chance.
He leads us in the path of righteousness for HIS Name’s sake, not our own.
He will uncover every truth about our hearts as we wait upon Him.
He sends forth the help at the moment our cries are uttered, even if we cannot see it yet.
My dear friends, I cannot thank you enough for all of the prayers you have offered for me. I cannot offer enough thanks to my Savior for the MERCY He has showered upon me. But I would love to offer a prayer today, however small it may seem to me. Because He receives every thought given to Him.
Dear Lord Jesus,
Thank You for being such a Good, Good Shepherd of our souls. Thank You for caring for every heartbeat, every movement, every cell in our bodies. We are humbled by the intimate knowledge that You have for us, and yet You never cease loving us. Will You open our eyes to see the beauty in Your plan for us? Will You wash away those old labels that we have clung to? We want to hold onto the only one that matters: We are YOURS. Children of the King of Glory bought with Your own precious blood. We want to shelter in Your green pastures and sing of Your sacred peace. We long to be close to YOU.
In Your name we pray,
A dear friend sent me this song today, not knowing it was one of the songs at my parents’ wedding. They are both in Heaven now, so very close to Him. As I continue in a longer blogging break through these weeks of resting close with Jesus, and ongoing treatments, I pray that you will see Him so close to you also.