I heard the blood curdling scream, I was sure of it! And it was coming from my mouth, I was sure of that too! Something had happened to my heart, and I sat straight up, screaming for help!
Except that I wasn’t.
As I awoke from the anesthesia after having my heart shocked at the Cardioversion, I asked the nurse how I had behaved. Didn’t I scream when my heart was shocked? “Oh no, you were a very calm, peaceful and sleeping patient! There was no screaming!”
I must have dreamed that awful screaming. And besides, the cardioversion had worked! As my heart started beating again, it went back into a perfect rhythm, with no aFib showing up.
My recovery was slow, as usual for my chronic illness weakened body. But my spirit was so thankful for God’s help.
Until the next dream hit.
This time, I thought my husband was pushing on my left side and arm as hard as he could, and I was screaming once again: “Get off of me, and stop it!”
As I began to awaken, I was still so mad! He had no idea what was happening, except that he could hear me moaning from a bad dream. It felt so real again, that it took several minutes for me to realize I had been accusing my husband of something he would never do. I sheepishly apologized to him, and tried to go back to sleep.
And then the whole body RA flare hit me, with pain and swelling in every joint. I finally asked the Lord to help me understand what was happening. Where did this trauma in my soul come from? “Piece-of-cake,” the Doctors had told me, about that procedure. But something inside of me felt like anything except sweetness.
Then I remembered the prayers of my friend before these latest procedures had begun: she prayed that the Lord would protect me, body, soul, and spirit.
Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely, and may your entire spirit, soul, and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
I had offered my spirit to Him. I had even offered my body to Him for His safe keeping. Yet, had I offered my soul to Him?
Not long before the next test, my daughter asked me how I prepared for all these procedures. What were my thoughts about them all?
I pondered her question on the way to the next test and realized that my preparation was to push my own thoughts aside, pray with my spirit and trust Jesus, and concentrate on my body’s need for relaxing and peace. But no, do not think about how my soul and emotions might process things. I would deal with that as it came.
And my soul heaped it all in a pile. My mind could not comprehend what was happening to my body. And when my physical heart was stopped and restarted, something snapped in my soul.
A heavy weight slipped over my mind. I had a new compassion for those I loved who suffered from depression. My soul felt close to despairing. And my body entered a kind of hypervigilance that kept the latest painful flare on highest alert. The pain and the swelling of RA locked-up joints kept me almost immobile at times.
And yet …
The precious gift of my Mom’s old Bible, along with highlighters and sticky notes,
drove me into the arms of my Lord every painful morning. With hands almost unable to pick up the book, and fingers barely able to write, I cried out for His help:
Ps 25:1 To You, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
Ps 22:20 Deliver my soul from the sword,
Ps 49:15 But God will redeem my soul from the power of the grave
How had I not seen all the verses that applied specifically to my soul, not just to my spirit and body?
When I searched the word meanings in Strong’s concordance, I found the Hebrew word for soul is:
(lêḇ)
Strong’s Hebrew 3820: 1) inner man, mind, will, heart, understanding 1a) inner part, midst 1a1) midst (of things) 1a2) heart (of man) 1a3) soul, heart (of man) 1a4) mind, knowledge, thinking …
However, it’s not the same word for my spiritual heart that communes with God. That word is:
Spirit wə·rū·aḥ
spirit (of the living, breathing being in man and animals) 1d1) as gift, preserved by God, God’s spirit, departing at death,
Was there a reason that I had chosen to ignore my soul? His Word directly addresses this thought in Psalm 42 when David asks, “Why are you downcast oh my soul?” It’s a question that demands an answer, an answer that has to be given before we can speak to our own souls with His comfort in the next phrase:
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why the unease within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him for the salvation of His presence.
I believe that just as God asked me to stop minimizing what was happening in my chronic illness body all those years ago, God has also been asking me to stop ignoring my soul as it has faced repeated mental anguish through multiple tests and procedures. Only as I offer that trauma back to Him, will I see the redemption that He has been waiting to show me.
When I opened my soul before God, laying the trauma before Him, a hidden anger suddenly surfaced. Why would my RA remain untreated and full of pain, while proper treatments were found to help my heart? I was walking yet again in another form of self-sufficiency, thinking I knew best. But praise the Lord He is rescuing my soul as I lift it in truth to Him. He is reassuring me that His good purposes will stand secure!
I will bless the LORD who counsels me; even at night my conscience instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will dwell securely. For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol, nor will You let Your Holy One see decay.
As I sat to pray for loved ones also bowed low, the Lord opened my spirit and my soul before Him, gifting this poem for my Prayer Journal. And I pray today that you will allow Him to meet you in those hidden springs of your soul as well:
I am so very thankful to God for His great help this summer. My cardiologist just gave Cardiac Clearance to proceed with the partial thyroidectomy surgery! It’s been almost a year since this latest journey began. And in the midst, between one procedure and the next, He’s given a measure of relief through steroid shots in my knees. Praise God for His help and guidance along this journey! And thank you all for every prayer you offered in my behalf.
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BettieGsRAseasons 
Thank you for sharing this part of your story! This makes so much sense. I sometimes go through periods where I have nightmares, as well, and I never thought of possibility that I might not be completely lifting up my soul to Him.
I love your poem! This, “Hidden springs uncovered” reminds me that just today the Lord brought to mind Psalm 139:23. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts.” And this, “Body, soul, and Spirit HOLDING NOTHING BACK….I release wholly To find you waiting here.” Beautiful! He is our home. He is always with us, ready for us to delight completely in Him and enjoy His peaceful, loving presence!
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Oh amen, Ruth! He is our home. What a precious thought to keep in mind when my soul feels so disjointed and out of touch. He is right there, our true delightful home. Thank you for your encouragement and prayers through the years. Our Father sees every hidden thought, every nightmare(!) and stands ready to untangle every question. Blessings to you dear sister! ❤️
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Amen! And blessings to you as well, dear sister! ♥️
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Thank you! 💕
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My dear sister, I praise God for allowing your soul to scream. I believe Holy Spirit cares for our souls while we are on earth. Jesus goes strong in intercession on your soul’s behalf! How gracious our Shepherd to allow your anger and trauma to be released. Give yourself grace dear Bettie, just as you Jesus has given you grace upon grace. From my earthly mind, I cannot imagine how long you have suffered physically. I pray now Jesus heal parts of you that you didn’t even know needed healing. I love you, Bettie. In His name, Julie
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Thank you dear Julie for such encouragement and grace. Our Shepherd really is so good to care for us. Amen to this precious thought: “Jesus goes strong in intercession on your soul’s behalf.” Praise Him so much. May you feel His blessed touch upon you and your family today also. He is redeeming every bit of suffering we offer up to Him. Love and prayers dear friend. ❤️
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Sending love & prayers to you Bettie. 💕
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Thank you so much sweet friend. And love and prayers sent for you too. ❤️🙏
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Thank you Bettie 💕
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Oh Bettie this is beautiful!
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Thank you dear Angie! I’m so grateful for the sharing God allows us to have! ❤️🙏
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Your messages truly encourage me. I’ve been dealing with pain and vertigo. I wake up and want to scream. I’m thankful God is holding me in His loving arms. I’m thankful for your encouragement and friendship. Have a blessed day! 🙂
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Dear Melissa, I am so sorry for the pain and vertigo you are dealing with. That really is awful to wake up with. What a precious Savior we have who comforts us in all our troubles, and allows us to share that comfort with each other. I do feel that comfort with you, dear sister. I am so thankful for your friendship also. Soft hugs and love & prayers for you today. ❤️🙏
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Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable, Bettie. Your Prayer Journal entry especially resonates in my heart. Holding nothing back from Him. His mercy forgiving our hand-grasping-sufficiency. I’m sorry you have to go through so much. May God hold you gently in His arms of faithful love and compassion and give you strength for each moment!
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Dear Trudy, thank you so much for all your prayers and love. I’m so grateful that the Lord brought you encouragement here also. It really is a blessing when we can share His comfort and truth with each other. He is so very merciful towards us! I am praying for you and your family also, dear friend. God’s blessings and love over you today! 🙏🤗❤️
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Dear Bettie, there may be hidden anger, anguish or pain yet, as your words suggest, we also carry hidden springs that need an opportunity to be released within. Yet even the yielding itself requires holy help as your beautiful poem indicates. Sometimes facing our soul’s needs can take a backseat or go unheard for years as they silently scream. Then it can feel shocking when they rise to the surface shouting out their feelings.
May your physical pain lessen in intensity and your emotional pain be greeted with bountiful mercy and grace. I’m struggling to release my soul into rest even though I know it’s what I need the most. Your thoughts here are an inspiration and source of support. Thank you, dear sister and cherished friend. You are surrounded by so much love and prayers. Blessings and hugs. 💜🕊️🙏🏻✝️
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Dear Joy, thank you so much for all of your sweet encouragement, here, and through the years. And yes, it truly can feel “shocking” both physically and emotionally, when our soul’s needs suddenly rise to the surface. I’m so grateful you understand, and so grateful that the Lord gave you inspiration and support here. I know I have felt that same kind of support through your words as well. His mercy is just so gentle towards us! May you feel His arms supporting you and giving rest to his beloved today. Sending hugs and love across the warm sea.. 🤗🙏
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Praise God for His help and guidance as your journey continues, Bettie. You teach me so much about God’s guidance and how to release ourselves fully into His sufficient care. I’ve had night terrors but did not think of how they may be connected to the neglect of my soul. May your soul be in rest as you continue to seek His help and guidance!
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Thank you so much for your kind support and encouragement dear Lynn. Yes, it really is amazing how fearfully and wonderfully we are made. There is so much we don’t understand, and yet, our great Creator sees it all and waits to help and guide, as you expressed. I pray that He blesses you with that same guidance now as you pause your soul also. Love and hugs dear friend! 🙏❤️
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